OK...first a half basement in Cali will run you a cool half-million...so homeboy is well off by these standards. In the mid-west he would be a bombmaker...in the South, perhaps a moonshiner or crazy taxidermist and in the East...well either a terrible rapper or virgin-fucker. But remember, this fool is ballin' according to Cali real estate...shit, you are considered the dookie if you even have a basement.
Now...with that said...I am however, concerned with his age. Like my twin, I am down with the OB's (Old Balls), however, I am no virgin and Mr. Rogers scares the living shit out of me (COME ON NOW...a grown man that plays with puppets, sports cardigans, plays with trains and worst of all, wears Keds). My bad, back to the issue at hand...I understand why a younger woman would go to an older man for sexual guidance, buuuuuut...there are only 2 (TWO) reasons a guy goes after a virgin: 1) He is a psychotic controlling freak and wants to mold a ho after being her first, because some women, not all...but some, catch some feelings for their first; 2) He has a tiny penis and because she has no experience, she might no the fucking difference between a pork loin and a fruit roll up and he still gets to feel like a man.I have a feeling it is #2.
My advice...take her to a sex shop and MD's Mental Services and EDUCATE this po' hymen-challenged child.
Cali-Ho
Monday, September 25, 2006
Update on the Virgin Cousin
So...I am rockin my aunt and uncle's 25th wedding anniversary party and I am talking to my cuz M and his girl S (both 18) about VC (Virgin Cousins) BF.
COme to find out....according to S, who is reliable cause she is the only one who has seen said BF, since they all worked together.
Soooooo...BF, is 36 years old....VC is 22...NOW I have NOOOOOOOOOO problem with older men....as my friends know...the love of my life was an older man.....
But I do have a problem with a 36 year old man that lives in HALF a basement...yes HALF....fucker can't even rent a WHOLE basement...it is HALF....HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Ohhhhhh...AND mofo supposedly supplements his income as a "courier" i.e GOPHER for two offices....by working at a liquor store....so S told me...VC can only see BF between 11pm and 1am. Now see...she is a NAIVE virgin...who does not know enough to realize this is a low down shady fucker.....
Ohhhh....and the best part.....S said MOFO looks like a YOUNg Mr Rogers. Good news is......she can hum "Won't you be ...my neighbor..." while she's gettin her eagle on.....
Old Mr Rogers
Young Mr Rogers
COme to find out....according to S, who is reliable cause she is the only one who has seen said BF, since they all worked together.
Soooooo...BF, is 36 years old....VC is 22...NOW I have NOOOOOOOOOO problem with older men....as my friends know...the love of my life was an older man.....
But I do have a problem with a 36 year old man that lives in HALF a basement...yes HALF....fucker can't even rent a WHOLE basement...it is HALF....HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Ohhhhhh...AND mofo supposedly supplements his income as a "courier" i.e GOPHER for two offices....by working at a liquor store....so S told me...VC can only see BF between 11pm and 1am. Now see...she is a NAIVE virgin...who does not know enough to realize this is a low down shady fucker.....
Ohhhh....and the best part.....S said MOFO looks like a YOUNg Mr Rogers. Good news is......she can hum "Won't you be ...my neighbor..." while she's gettin her eagle on.....
Old Mr Rogers
Young Mr Rogers
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Old People Need Love Too!
http://www.wftv.com/news/9882838/detail.html?subid=22105266&qs=1;bp=t
I am probably going to hell for this one....but it was too good to pass up.
Now....here is the article in a nutshell....but if you follow the link...there is a pic of Gomez (that is what he reminds me of...a Gomez)
ORLANDO, Fla. -- A maintenance worker at an Orange County retirement community was in jail, Tuesday, after he allegedly confessed to raping an 85-year-old woman. Police said there may be even more victims.
A police report indicated that suspect Edwin Cabeza admitted to three sexual encounters with an Alzheimer’s patient at the Lutheran Towers in downtown Orlando, but they have not said if those incidents will lead to more charges.
Fifty-three-year-old Edwin Cabeza was behind bars, Tuesday, with no bond after detectives said he admitted to raping an 85-year-old Alzheimer’s and dementia patient inside her own room.
Detectives believe Cabeza was called into the woman’s room where he then locked the door and had intercourse with her. She recalled parts of the incident and a rape kit test indicated a crime had occurred.
Cabeza is a housekeeper for the facility, but apparently had no business inside the assisted living areas of Orlando Lutheran Towers.
Cabeza has been charged with lewd and lascivious battery on an elderly adult. Detectives are investigating whether Cabeza had contact with any other residents at the facility.
Ok....I will say it....first...if she has dementia...is she SURE a rape occured? Hell maybe that was her boyfriend and she just forgot....I mean who knows....or maybe she said yes and half way through..FORGOT she said yes....I'm just sayin y'all....its dementia and Alzheimer's....bitch might forget a few things of importance like that....
Second...she is 85....hell at 85...I will be GLAD to be getting some.....
I know...I know....I am going to hell...but it will be first class baby....FIRST CLASS!!!
Peace out from B-more bitches!
I am probably going to hell for this one....but it was too good to pass up.
Now....here is the article in a nutshell....but if you follow the link...there is a pic of Gomez (that is what he reminds me of...a Gomez)
ORLANDO, Fla. -- A maintenance worker at an Orange County retirement community was in jail, Tuesday, after he allegedly confessed to raping an 85-year-old woman. Police said there may be even more victims.
A police report indicated that suspect Edwin Cabeza admitted to three sexual encounters with an Alzheimer’s patient at the Lutheran Towers in downtown Orlando, but they have not said if those incidents will lead to more charges.
Fifty-three-year-old Edwin Cabeza was behind bars, Tuesday, with no bond after detectives said he admitted to raping an 85-year-old Alzheimer’s and dementia patient inside her own room.
Detectives believe Cabeza was called into the woman’s room where he then locked the door and had intercourse with her. She recalled parts of the incident and a rape kit test indicated a crime had occurred.
Cabeza is a housekeeper for the facility, but apparently had no business inside the assisted living areas of Orlando Lutheran Towers.
Cabeza has been charged with lewd and lascivious battery on an elderly adult. Detectives are investigating whether Cabeza had contact with any other residents at the facility.
Ok....I will say it....first...if she has dementia...is she SURE a rape occured? Hell maybe that was her boyfriend and she just forgot....I mean who knows....or maybe she said yes and half way through..FORGOT she said yes....I'm just sayin y'all....its dementia and Alzheimer's....bitch might forget a few things of importance like that....
Second...she is 85....hell at 85...I will be GLAD to be getting some.....
I know...I know....I am going to hell...but it will be first class baby....FIRST CLASS!!!
Peace out from B-more bitches!
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Baltimore Ravens vs Oakland Raiders
VS
Ahhh...the match-up of the season....East Coast vs West Coast and I KNOW my twin looooooooooooves the Raiders....and I looooooooooove the Ravens....especially Ray Lewis...his fine ass could tackle me any time...
Ghetto? Yes...yes he is....and I am strangely attracted to his ghetto-ness....
I think its his intesity on the field..can you imagine that intensity in the bedroom??? I can....mmmmmmm....or it could be the way he cleans a mutha-fucka's clock when he tackles...
I don't know...ALL I know...is I would fuck him.....two...three times....hell I want to be his booty call...or girlfriend....whatever he wants
But I completely digress...
This game should KICK ass....and I promise my twin...that I will not gloat if the Ravens win...well....I will TRY not too....
More on the game tomorrow.....
Peace out from B-more bitches....
GO RAVENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, September 15, 2006
Pit Bull vs. Raccoon
What up from sunny Cali-FORN-yah?!?!?! In the essence of the blog being back up...I am posting a beautiful story that was on Craig's List a while back and is dear to both me and Dawn. It is a story about wildlife, dreams, bravery and triumph...yes...yes...it is...
All my life I've pondered what would happen if you caged a raccoon, threw him in a ring with a pit bull and had them fight to the death. No, I'm not going to start a thread about how my animal abusive uncle pulled off such a feat (because he would), but this morning at about 3 am I was fortunate enough to witness about 30 seconds worth of this dream match-up and it didn't disappoint! I'm sound asleep early this morning when I'm suddenly awakened by the intensity of a fierce street fight between 3 cats...fuckin' battle royal WWF style, and everybody knows what a cat fight sounds like. The only reason this cat fight peeked my interest was because usually cat fights last about 15-20 seconds before one cat realizes he's about to get his ass whupped and runs away like a little bitch. Not this fight. This was fuckin' Ali/ Frazier and after about 45 seconds of ferocity I knew I had to get some ringside seats because these cats were absolutely getting after it! I run to my front room window which looks down on the street and and it was beautiful!! The street light in front of my neighbors house shined right down on the fight like I was at Ceasars Palace. The only thing missing was a giant bong rip and a few half naked ring card girls....and beer. And hookers.....anway.... So I must have been watching this free for all for about 45 seconds when out of nowhere this big fuckin' raccoon comes rollin' up 5 deep out of the alley between my house and my neighbors' to the right. I mean he's got his posse in full effect. I dont know, they might have been his bitches, all I know is I saw him out of the corner of my eye and at first I thought it was a dog, thats how big this coon was. I see raccoons all the time but this bastard was abnormally big, he was like Deebo from the movie Friday without the introduction music. The intense whine of the cat fight must have attracted his attention, he probably was in some dumpster getting his eat on when he heard the commotion, turned to his hoes and was like, "You wanna go see me whup some ass?" So he rolls up with his entourage and within seconds this cat fight comes to an abrupt end. Game over. Thanks for coming. In the blink of an eye 2 of the cats are fuckin' ghost! They know better. They're like, "No need to stick around, thats the biggest motherfuckin' racoon I've ever seen, I'M OUT!!" Now the other cat, he didn't move. He must have paged the coons or some shit because you could tell they were boys. The minute he saw the calvary coming he probably looked at the other cats and was like, "Yeah, whats up now bitches? This is my block. West side. Recognize!" Throwing up alley cat gang signs n' shit. So I'm watching this and my adrenaline is just pumping, I love confrontation especially between animals. I'm a little disappointed that this raccoon showed up because he broke up a really entertaining cat fight but just when I was about to climax all over myself things got really interesting... My neighbors to the left own a pitbull named Davis and by no means is Davis one of those "trained to kill" style ghetto pitbulls, he's actually a sweetheart but he is a pitbull and he can get down. Davis is the kind of dog that is cool with humans but will not hesitate to obliterate any cat he can run down. Occasionally he gets under the fence which doesnt bother me at all but at times has the other neighbors terrofied. Sure enough Davis also heard the catfight and wanted to get a live glimpse himself, he just didn't know he was about to come face to face with a 105+ pound coon. So the minute I see Davis I let out with a "HOLY SHIT!!!" and once again my adrenaline is flaring like a pack of hemorroids because I knew this had the potential to be fuckin' awesome! With that my roommate comes bolting out of his room half asleep thinking somebody was breaking into his piece of shit car, it's black as pitch in our house and dude just runs head on into the hall way corridor. Fuckin' WHAM!!. He goes to turn on the lights in the living room and I'm like, "No, you're going to scare them away," he still has no idea whats going on and turns his attention to what I'm watching and just flips out!! He's more pumped up than I am! You have to understand, my roommate and I are HUGE boxing fanatics who grew up together and were the type of guys who would have heated debates over who would win in a fight, John Rambo or Luke Skywalker. You know the types. King Kong or Godzilla? Mountain lion Vs. Black bear? So this was right up our alley. The minute the raccoons see Davis four of them decide it was in their best interest to find the nearest escape route and head right back towards the alley. Not the big fella. This raccoon had balls of steel and even Davis was kinda lookin' at him like, "Yo nigga, don't you know who I am? Is your ass crazy or something? I'm a fuckin' pit bull son." However the only thing on this coons' mind was tearing shit up. So Davis is sizing up the situation and this raccoon goes right into a defensive attack position. It was about to be on and I'm not sure how it happened but within' moments my roommate and I are engaged in a heated debate over the outcome and automatically a 20 dollar bet was on the table. So he starts going off about Davis having "lock jaw" and once Davis establishes that advantage the fight would be over, Davis would tear him apart. I start telling him that it's not going to matter what kind of jaw Davis has because the second he gets close, that raccoon is going to use his razor sharp paws and carve him up something fierce. So we are going round and round like fuckin' Jim Lampley and Larry Merchant from HBO Sports and as always when my adrenaline starts and I get excited...I gotta take an enormous shit. I mean I'm straight up turtle heading. I cant hold it any longer. Alright give me some room here....does anyone else get that or is it just me? I dont know why, but ever since I could remember anytime I feel any type of anxiety I automatically have to take a giant dump. It's the craziest thing. If I go to Blockbuster to rent a movie, within about 2 minutes I have to take a shit. Same thing if I go pick up a video game, it's like fuckin' clock work. When I''m about to light up a giant bong rip, I always run to the bathroom first. And sometimes there's no bathroom around so I have to go with the "heal plunge" where I bend over to pretend like I'm tying my shoe but all I'm really doing is ramming my heal up my ass to stop me from shitting all over myself. Speaking of video games, when I was 13 my little brother would bring over his chinese friend to play Nintendo and this kid was such a savage that he wouldn't even bother to press pause when he had to take a shit, he'd just drop a growler right there in his pants!! I mean come on, I know chinese kids love video games but there's a pause button for a reason. This kid was like, "no way" getting to level 9 in Mega Man was WAY more important than a trip to the bathroom. Little fella would just go caveman style right there in the living room..... So anyway, I frantically sprint to the bathroom about to drop my garbage all over the floor and I'm on the toilet yelling at my roommate to give me "the play by play". I must have been on the shitter for like 12 seconds flat, if crapping was an Olympic sport I'd have just brought home the gold. I run back into the living room with a trail of toilet paper still lodged in my ass and as soon as I take my seat, my cock blocking neighbor comes flying out of her house screaming at her dog to come. Obviously with that the coon bolts, I'm bummed out of my mind, my roommate throws on the lights in the living room and dude is sporting a 3 inch gash right down his forehead. Apparently when he came running out of his room and took on the hallway corridor the guy split his fuckin' wig. He's got blood all over his shirt like he just went toe to toe with a god damn mountain lion....... I got to get some sleep. this is in or around Ceasars Palace.
The End...(you can start crying now)
All my life I've pondered what would happen if you caged a raccoon, threw him in a ring with a pit bull and had them fight to the death. No, I'm not going to start a thread about how my animal abusive uncle pulled off such a feat (because he would), but this morning at about 3 am I was fortunate enough to witness about 30 seconds worth of this dream match-up and it didn't disappoint! I'm sound asleep early this morning when I'm suddenly awakened by the intensity of a fierce street fight between 3 cats...fuckin' battle royal WWF style, and everybody knows what a cat fight sounds like. The only reason this cat fight peeked my interest was because usually cat fights last about 15-20 seconds before one cat realizes he's about to get his ass whupped and runs away like a little bitch. Not this fight. This was fuckin' Ali/ Frazier and after about 45 seconds of ferocity I knew I had to get some ringside seats because these cats were absolutely getting after it! I run to my front room window which looks down on the street and and it was beautiful!! The street light in front of my neighbors house shined right down on the fight like I was at Ceasars Palace. The only thing missing was a giant bong rip and a few half naked ring card girls....and beer. And hookers.....anway.... So I must have been watching this free for all for about 45 seconds when out of nowhere this big fuckin' raccoon comes rollin' up 5 deep out of the alley between my house and my neighbors' to the right. I mean he's got his posse in full effect. I dont know, they might have been his bitches, all I know is I saw him out of the corner of my eye and at first I thought it was a dog, thats how big this coon was. I see raccoons all the time but this bastard was abnormally big, he was like Deebo from the movie Friday without the introduction music. The intense whine of the cat fight must have attracted his attention, he probably was in some dumpster getting his eat on when he heard the commotion, turned to his hoes and was like, "You wanna go see me whup some ass?" So he rolls up with his entourage and within seconds this cat fight comes to an abrupt end. Game over. Thanks for coming. In the blink of an eye 2 of the cats are fuckin' ghost! They know better. They're like, "No need to stick around, thats the biggest motherfuckin' racoon I've ever seen, I'M OUT!!" Now the other cat, he didn't move. He must have paged the coons or some shit because you could tell they were boys. The minute he saw the calvary coming he probably looked at the other cats and was like, "Yeah, whats up now bitches? This is my block. West side. Recognize!" Throwing up alley cat gang signs n' shit. So I'm watching this and my adrenaline is just pumping, I love confrontation especially between animals. I'm a little disappointed that this raccoon showed up because he broke up a really entertaining cat fight but just when I was about to climax all over myself things got really interesting... My neighbors to the left own a pitbull named Davis and by no means is Davis one of those "trained to kill" style ghetto pitbulls, he's actually a sweetheart but he is a pitbull and he can get down. Davis is the kind of dog that is cool with humans but will not hesitate to obliterate any cat he can run down. Occasionally he gets under the fence which doesnt bother me at all but at times has the other neighbors terrofied. Sure enough Davis also heard the catfight and wanted to get a live glimpse himself, he just didn't know he was about to come face to face with a 105+ pound coon. So the minute I see Davis I let out with a "HOLY SHIT!!!" and once again my adrenaline is flaring like a pack of hemorroids because I knew this had the potential to be fuckin' awesome! With that my roommate comes bolting out of his room half asleep thinking somebody was breaking into his piece of shit car, it's black as pitch in our house and dude just runs head on into the hall way corridor. Fuckin' WHAM!!. He goes to turn on the lights in the living room and I'm like, "No, you're going to scare them away," he still has no idea whats going on and turns his attention to what I'm watching and just flips out!! He's more pumped up than I am! You have to understand, my roommate and I are HUGE boxing fanatics who grew up together and were the type of guys who would have heated debates over who would win in a fight, John Rambo or Luke Skywalker. You know the types. King Kong or Godzilla? Mountain lion Vs. Black bear? So this was right up our alley. The minute the raccoons see Davis four of them decide it was in their best interest to find the nearest escape route and head right back towards the alley. Not the big fella. This raccoon had balls of steel and even Davis was kinda lookin' at him like, "Yo nigga, don't you know who I am? Is your ass crazy or something? I'm a fuckin' pit bull son." However the only thing on this coons' mind was tearing shit up. So Davis is sizing up the situation and this raccoon goes right into a defensive attack position. It was about to be on and I'm not sure how it happened but within' moments my roommate and I are engaged in a heated debate over the outcome and automatically a 20 dollar bet was on the table. So he starts going off about Davis having "lock jaw" and once Davis establishes that advantage the fight would be over, Davis would tear him apart. I start telling him that it's not going to matter what kind of jaw Davis has because the second he gets close, that raccoon is going to use his razor sharp paws and carve him up something fierce. So we are going round and round like fuckin' Jim Lampley and Larry Merchant from HBO Sports and as always when my adrenaline starts and I get excited...I gotta take an enormous shit. I mean I'm straight up turtle heading. I cant hold it any longer. Alright give me some room here....does anyone else get that or is it just me? I dont know why, but ever since I could remember anytime I feel any type of anxiety I automatically have to take a giant dump. It's the craziest thing. If I go to Blockbuster to rent a movie, within about 2 minutes I have to take a shit. Same thing if I go pick up a video game, it's like fuckin' clock work. When I''m about to light up a giant bong rip, I always run to the bathroom first. And sometimes there's no bathroom around so I have to go with the "heal plunge" where I bend over to pretend like I'm tying my shoe but all I'm really doing is ramming my heal up my ass to stop me from shitting all over myself. Speaking of video games, when I was 13 my little brother would bring over his chinese friend to play Nintendo and this kid was such a savage that he wouldn't even bother to press pause when he had to take a shit, he'd just drop a growler right there in his pants!! I mean come on, I know chinese kids love video games but there's a pause button for a reason. This kid was like, "no way" getting to level 9 in Mega Man was WAY more important than a trip to the bathroom. Little fella would just go caveman style right there in the living room..... So anyway, I frantically sprint to the bathroom about to drop my garbage all over the floor and I'm on the toilet yelling at my roommate to give me "the play by play". I must have been on the shitter for like 12 seconds flat, if crapping was an Olympic sport I'd have just brought home the gold. I run back into the living room with a trail of toilet paper still lodged in my ass and as soon as I take my seat, my cock blocking neighbor comes flying out of her house screaming at her dog to come. Obviously with that the coon bolts, I'm bummed out of my mind, my roommate throws on the lights in the living room and dude is sporting a 3 inch gash right down his forehead. Apparently when he came running out of his room and took on the hallway corridor the guy split his fuckin' wig. He's got blood all over his shirt like he just went toe to toe with a god damn mountain lion....... I got to get some sleep. this is in or around Ceasars Palace.
The End...(you can start crying now)
Must See TV
Ok....last night I had every intention of going to bed early....but I made the mistake of turning on HBO. I got caught up in SHOCK VIDEO 2002: AMERICA UNDERCOVER.
Sweet baby Jesus......This show is OFF DA CHAIN....
I will post more stories from it...but short version is they were showing late night tv shows from around the globe. You know....like we have "Skin"amax (late night cinemax soft porn)
Anyway....1st story. Japan's Ejaculation Championship (I shit you not) The contestants: Fukuhard (blond hi-lights in a long ass feathered sweepback hairdo ... with earrings...) Cumonyu, and Yousukme.
Now....the object: Who ejaculates the most jism in a 24 hour period.... The had Japanese whores (I assume they were...from the looks of the men...the women could NOT have volunteered) to help them out...sucky sucky...fucky fucky....titucky (titty fucking)....you get the picture....
anyway...the winner..... That's right....the Japanese flamer Fukuhard won....though I am surprised he was able to jizz with women helping....anyway....
More stories from this cool ass show later....
Peace out from the East Coast!!....gotta love cable tv, or in my case Direct TV.....
Sweet baby Jesus......This show is OFF DA CHAIN....
I will post more stories from it...but short version is they were showing late night tv shows from around the globe. You know....like we have "Skin"amax (late night cinemax soft porn)
Anyway....1st story. Japan's Ejaculation Championship (I shit you not) The contestants: Fukuhard (blond hi-lights in a long ass feathered sweepback hairdo ... with earrings...) Cumonyu, and Yousukme.
Now....the object: Who ejaculates the most jism in a 24 hour period.... The had Japanese whores (I assume they were...from the looks of the men...the women could NOT have volunteered) to help them out...sucky sucky...fucky fucky....titucky (titty fucking)....you get the picture....
anyway...the winner..... That's right....the Japanese flamer Fukuhard won....though I am surprised he was able to jizz with women helping....anyway....
More stories from this cool ass show later....
Peace out from the East Coast!!....gotta love cable tv, or in my case Direct TV.....
Thursday, September 14, 2006
CALI-HO vs. The Greyhound Bus
CALI-HO vs. The Greyhound Bus
Ok...to reaffirm that I was a mass-murdering cannibal who ripped off mattress tags in my past life...I got into a fight with a Greyhound bus...I lost.
I swear on clam dip that I hate Cali drivers, especially downtown rush hour drivers. In a span of 5 seconds, I was cut off twice and then side-swiped by a Greyhound, and I moved all of a foot. Minus my heart meeting my colon and some intense kung-fu anger I was fine....well I was until the driver of the bus rolled out yelling me sporting a handtowel on his head. Now I am not a racist by any means, but GODDAMN....we have people afraid to fly with Mexicans that even look like Arabs, but we are cool with them driving ghetto Douche-hound buses with unsuspecting cheap bastards to their doom on Hwy 99, and on top of that ones that sport the names "Ashiat"...yes, that is his name.
Ok...ok...so after threatening to beat him with a dead camel, his supervisor comes out. {Oh...this was in FRONT of the downtown Sac Jism-Hound station, which is as savory as Oakland's Loaves and Fishes during an all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet lunch/free needle exchange extravaganza}. Back to Ass-shit, his supervisor rolls out with a Polaroid, and I had to start laughing...homeboy looked like the stapler guy from Office Space, but was worse, cuz he had arm crutches and a voicebox that made him sound like a gay Darth Vader.
So, I am in mini-bad joke Hell....and the cops come...well they are bike (the 10 speed not the Harley) and start doing their biznass. I am calm, chain-smoking and glaring at the monkey fuck driver try and speak anything close resembling English to the BMX-squad...truly priceless. After almost 2 FUCKING HOURS, the situation is resolved, well until my insurance company lays some unholy force on Bukake-hound.
But like most things in life....there is a silver lining. I have a date with one of the BMX-squad coppers...uh huh....the one who is writing the accident report...has NOTHING to do with it....lust is mysterious, and my twin can attest to my deep feelings to officers and cuffs.
So, with that said....Have a nice day!
Ok...to reaffirm that I was a mass-murdering cannibal who ripped off mattress tags in my past life...I got into a fight with a Greyhound bus...I lost.
I swear on clam dip that I hate Cali drivers, especially downtown rush hour drivers. In a span of 5 seconds, I was cut off twice and then side-swiped by a Greyhound, and I moved all of a foot. Minus my heart meeting my colon and some intense kung-fu anger I was fine....well I was until the driver of the bus rolled out yelling me sporting a handtowel on his head. Now I am not a racist by any means, but GODDAMN....we have people afraid to fly with Mexicans that even look like Arabs, but we are cool with them driving ghetto Douche-hound buses with unsuspecting cheap bastards to their doom on Hwy 99, and on top of that ones that sport the names "Ashiat"...yes, that is his name.
Ok...ok...so after threatening to beat him with a dead camel, his supervisor comes out. {Oh...this was in FRONT of the downtown Sac Jism-Hound station, which is as savory as Oakland's Loaves and Fishes during an all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet lunch/free needle exchange extravaganza}. Back to Ass-shit, his supervisor rolls out with a Polaroid, and I had to start laughing...homeboy looked like the stapler guy from Office Space, but was worse, cuz he had arm crutches and a voicebox that made him sound like a gay Darth Vader.
So, I am in mini-bad joke Hell....and the cops come...well they are bike (the 10 speed not the Harley) and start doing their biznass. I am calm, chain-smoking and glaring at the monkey fuck driver try and speak anything close resembling English to the BMX-squad...truly priceless. After almost 2 FUCKING HOURS, the situation is resolved, well until my insurance company lays some unholy force on Bukake-hound.
But like most things in life....there is a silver lining. I have a date with one of the BMX-squad coppers...uh huh....the one who is writing the accident report...has NOTHING to do with it....lust is mysterious, and my twin can attest to my deep feelings to officers and cuffs.
So, with that said....Have a nice day!
Joke of the day
Sticking with the hell theme...oopps...I mean work theme....I got this joke from Poodle (our receptionist)
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you,"cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a Team Leader, Supervisor or possibly someone in Senior Management."
PALABRA!!!!
Peace out...
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you,"cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a Team Leader, Supervisor or possibly someone in Senior Management."
PALABRA!!!!
Peace out...
DUMB FUCK of the week......
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/09/13/national/main2003173.shtml
Did you hear about this dumb fuck? Trying to open the door of a fucking plane...WHILE it was in the air?
Now....I can understand this if he was retarded...but bitch was in the army....
According to one passenger bitch had all kinds of patches....including one for jujitsu...(which obviously didn't help him much when they beat his bitch ass down....)
With all the security shit in place....what kind of crazy mofo would roll up and try to OPEN a plane door???? Fucking retard....
So this is my dumb fuck of the week....might change....stupid people give me so much to write about...
This pic sorta applies....but not really...I just thought it was funny....
Peace out bitches....from a RAINY ass Baltimore....
Did you hear about this dumb fuck? Trying to open the door of a fucking plane...WHILE it was in the air?
Now....I can understand this if he was retarded...but bitch was in the army....
According to one passenger bitch had all kinds of patches....including one for jujitsu...(which obviously didn't help him much when they beat his bitch ass down....)
With all the security shit in place....what kind of crazy mofo would roll up and try to OPEN a plane door???? Fucking retard....
So this is my dumb fuck of the week....might change....stupid people give me so much to write about...
This pic sorta applies....but not really...I just thought it was funny....
Peace out bitches....from a RAINY ass Baltimore....
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
t-shirt of the day (week/month) whenever I find one I like
This is in honor of my cousin (still a 21 yr old bible lovin virgin but has recently found herself a real live boyfriend....and has confided in me they have played around and she had her 1ST orgasm at age 21....I am happy for her...but MAN I need to take her ass to Love Craft or Mardi Gras Toy Store and get her ass a rabbit....)
This is a chick that SWORE she would NEVER have sex until she was married...I give her another 3 months before she does the deed....gets down to the nitty gritty...
I'll keep you informed....
Thanks to T-Shirt Hell for the shirt...they rock...
Baltimore Bitch
Baltimore Bitch
Word...palabra....riyech...sweet JESUS....can I get an amen??? You know....I think our boyfriend Michael K needs to see
this lovely hunk of hermy ass...
I am trying to cut this mug some slack, I am all for expressing yourself...Hell...I am surrounded by it in Cali...but...(and I say this with intensity)....BUT, for love of all that is HOLY, do not post a pic of yourself looking like a one-eyed butch tranny and not disclose that you are "special"...do not play that this is normal for yo' ass...that is like me rollin' to AA drunk and pretending I am there for the watered down Folgers...does not make sense....wait...actually it does...ok nevermind....you get my point.
But a positive is that bitch looks like he can dance like a mofo.
Word...palabra....riyech...sweet JESUS....can I get an amen??? You know....I think our boyfriend Michael K needs to see
this lovely hunk of hermy ass...
I am trying to cut this mug some slack, I am all for expressing yourself...Hell...I am surrounded by it in Cali...but...(and I say this with intensity)....BUT, for love of all that is HOLY, do not post a pic of yourself looking like a one-eyed butch tranny and not disclose that you are "special"...do not play that this is normal for yo' ass...that is like me rollin' to AA drunk and pretending I am there for the watered down Folgers...does not make sense....wait...actually it does...ok nevermind....you get my point.
But a positive is that bitch looks like he can dance like a mofo.
Fugly People posting their pics on chat sights
Ok....I am sorry but I can't stand it any longer....
http://www.soapchat.burtonhosting.com/showthread.php?t=144678&highlight=post+picture
Now...there is NOTHING wrong with chat rooms....hell I belong to a few....where I met my twin soul in Cali.....yep Cali-Ho (kinda like tali-ho...but she is a ho so it fits her....)
Anyway...as I was saying...when people suggest posting pics of yourself....might I suggest you look in the mirror first?
Case in point....Jon-R from the link above....Cali-ho and I were IM'ing (I had to share my pain of seeing this fucker...) and we were.....BLINDED!! Thank GOD I had an empty stomach....I mean seriously....WTF??....he is a HOT GAY MESS (cali-ho's words of wisdom...)
And in his post he says "These were taken at work today just after I got home from the hairdresser. Not the best quality and I don't think it does my face or my hairdo justice"
Bitch no picture in the WORLD will do your face and hairdo justice....because both of them are an INJUSTICE to humanity...
See what the fuck I mean? You paid money for that haircut? Jesus Christ!!! Go back and get a refund...seriously...at first glance I was like "That is an ugly bitch..." then I look down to the 2nd pic and the name and find out it is a dude.....
Fuck...I am still shaking my head people....
For the love of all that is holy....DO NOT post your pic for all of America to see if you are FUGLY!! Please....
See...this is what happens when D (moi) is stressing at work...things start getting to me....but "I cain't takes it no mo'...."
http://www.soapchat.burtonhosting.com/showthread.php?t=144678&highlight=post+picture
Now...there is NOTHING wrong with chat rooms....hell I belong to a few....where I met my twin soul in Cali.....yep Cali-Ho (kinda like tali-ho...but she is a ho so it fits her....)
Anyway...as I was saying...when people suggest posting pics of yourself....might I suggest you look in the mirror first?
Case in point....Jon-R from the link above....Cali-ho and I were IM'ing (I had to share my pain of seeing this fucker...) and we were.....BLINDED!! Thank GOD I had an empty stomach....I mean seriously....WTF??....he is a HOT GAY MESS (cali-ho's words of wisdom...)
And in his post he says "These were taken at work today just after I got home from the hairdresser. Not the best quality and I don't think it does my face or my hairdo justice"
Bitch no picture in the WORLD will do your face and hairdo justice....because both of them are an INJUSTICE to humanity...
See what the fuck I mean? You paid money for that haircut? Jesus Christ!!! Go back and get a refund...seriously...at first glance I was like "That is an ugly bitch..." then I look down to the 2nd pic and the name and find out it is a dude.....
Fuck...I am still shaking my head people....
For the love of all that is holy....DO NOT post your pic for all of America to see if you are FUGLY!! Please....
See...this is what happens when D (moi) is stressing at work...things start getting to me....but "I cain't takes it no mo'...."
Stress at work
SO I have been stressin' over this flippin job I work at....I have come to the conclusion that for the other employees' safety...I need to bounce...
But until I find another money maka....I have been singing this song to ease my stress level.
You b*tches should be able to download it here...
http://www.uploading.com/files/VK2BF7PT/A_Song_For_Employees_Suffering_Mistreatment.wma.html
If I knew who sang it...I'd give them credit....hell I might even date him cause he sounds cute.
Well...this is my first "blog" but I must credit
Dlisted - http://dlisted.blogspot.com/
And BOTS - http://bitchonthestreet.blogspot.com/
These are two blogs I read FAITHFULLY and love them to pieces...
Peace out from B-More!!
And oh yeah....the Ravens kick ass....the Orioles suck....which is why I like football better anyway!
Ohh....and of course special shout out to my girls....
Twinks from Cali.... "Dang..."
Country from Tennessee
Thug from NY
Mo from B-more
Hopefully these ho's might contribute....